The Art of Misunderstanding and Being Misunderstood

 We’ve all been there, right?  We do something for all the right reasons and somebody thinks our motives are questionable.  We offer to help a person just to find out that they think we are just being self-important.  We are having a rough day and we are accused of being self-absorbed and snobby.   We buy a new (used) car and we are told we are being “uppity” and showing off.  Can you relate?  It’s like you just can’t win.
 
This, the art of being misunderstood (because it’s an art, truly), has been my bane throughout my years on earth.  It’s been the source of heartache and self-questioning (Am I really the awful person they think I am?)  It has caused me to become “un-done” many times.  In my ornery moments it just makes me angry and resentful.   At other times it just hurts.


For 99% of us humans on earth coexisting with countless other humans, one of our most basic needs is to be loved and UNDERSTOOD.  We want someone to know us; to know the best of us and to see that in us.  We want to be loved in spite of our imperfections and to be seen as the best version of ourselves.  We want our aspirations, our attitudes, our ambitions and motives to be seen in a positive light.  And sometimes, nay, many times, that just doesn’t happen. 

It would take months of writing to delve into the reasons why we, as  humans, have a proclivity for misunderstanding one another.  It takes a lot of creativity - this misunderstanding business. That’s not my purpose in writing about this.  My reasons for addressing this topic are two-fold.  One reason is to simply vent.  The second reason is to understand it and learn to accept it and then let it go.

Alright, I’ve already vented.  Now I would like to offer some insight into the concept of being misunderstood.  Wait… you know what?  I am thinking that will be a futile exercise of my grey cells to try to understand why we habitually misunderstand one another.  It might even kill a few of those brain cells off, and I don't want that.   Let’s try a different approach.

Someone gave me something recently that has rearranged (not always willingly) how I think about things - especially the things that have an affect on me.  It’s called a Resentment Model. 

Only little kids look cute when resentful.

 And because of learning about this Resentment Model, I’ve discovered (this is kinda embarrassing) that anytime I get angry, frustrated, annoyed, hurt, disappointed (… ok, you get the idea), with someone or with a situation, it’s because I have some resentment towards it or them.  And that puts it all back on me.  It’s in my head and I (capital “I”) have to deal with it.  Rather anti-climatic, isn’t it?  It’s also a bit annoying because now I can no longer blame someone else for feeling hurt and sad at being offended or misunderstood. 

I now have to own my part in these “misunderstanding” type of situations and take care of it from my side.  Basically, I have to act like a grown-up.  I will have to be mature and apologize if needed, make amends where it is necessary, forgive when it isn’t asked for, and at the very least, let go of the things I cannot control (like another person’s actions or thoughts).

When I was a 20 yr old college student, I moved after my freshman year to a new college, city, state, the whole shebang.  

 I got involved with the group of college kids from my church right away and began dating a great guy.  I was having a terrific time and felt like I was making friends and fitting in.  A huge feat for a girl who was nominated as ‘most shy’ in high school.  And then one night at a pool party, I heard a group of girls talking about me and saying unkind things.  My first response was, “What?  Who am I that they would even be spending time talking about me?”    My second response was a sad, “Gee, they don’t even know me.”   I still have that inner response when I am misunderstood.  It doesn’t even occur to me to respond by “lashing back” or being vengeful.  But I have learned to be resentful (not a great thing, and so enters the Resentment Model).

This mis-judging and misunderstanding one another has become epidemic.  My oldest son used to say, when the younger kids were arguing, “Can’t we just all get along?”  I think of him frequently, saying that now, as I look at all the self-inflicted turmoil in our world; brother against brother, human being against human being.  “Can’t we just all get along?” 
Can’t a little empathy and understanding go a long way?  Can we not step into another’s shoes and walk in them for a while?  Can’t we be kinder, more understanding, more forgiving?  And can’t we all grow up and own our very own negative thoughts, our own unkind words and deeds, our own prejudices.  And finally, can’t we just LET IT GO? 
 


When we can let our part in it go, then maybe we can forgive and like each other again.  ALL OF US.

                     



That’s not too much to hope for, is it?